It’s been 7 months since I started this little corner of the world. It feels weird looking that up, by now I assume I’ve had this up forever. I started this as a home of sorts. I’ve never felt strong affection to a physical place or location to call it as such. So here comes this place, alongside other online places such as my Twitter and Kitsu. This is me. I choose the avatars, the banners, the words. It’s where I feel most comfortable.
However, the only atmosphere I feel around my home is frustration. Just constant frustration at myself and, more unreasonably, the things around me. I recently watched Perfect Blue and Blade Runner 2049 in cinemas. I want to be a creative person, so seeing these works in an ideal environment to do so was a treat. I want to learn. I want to take inspiration. The main takeaway I got though was just rejection. The idea of ever having the knowledge and understanding of craft and the arts on display is ludicrous. Any step I take towards that won’t feel like a stepping stone of progress, but precariously treading along an almost broken bridge.
Yes, I understand that I’m comparing myself to people of world-class skill here. However, I feel it would be unfair to set different standards to myself than I do the art around me. If I can’t be happy with what I’ve done, how can I expect anyone else to gain something from it. It’s why this place has been barren. It isn’t for a lack of trying, I’ve thought about doing plenty of things. However the longer something goes on, the more I grow frustrated. I’ve scrapped many posts and other ideas in such a short amount of time that it makes me question what my purpose for wanting to do these things in the first place is. I have people telling me to not give up, that they like what I do and given praise for my technical ability, but I just can’t believe it. It’s a never ending cycle of rejection of myself.
There’s a scene in Sound! Euphonium that resonates with me strongly, and seems to do more so as time goes on. It shows Kumiko outside of the school, on a beautiful Summer day. She practices a piece for the upcoming competition, and thinks to herself:
“I can hear the sound I want in my head. The frustration of being unable to reproduce it”
These words are something I think back to every day. I know what I want to say. I know what I want to make. However trying to convey them in any format doesn’t work for me. Spoken conversation doesn’t work for me, I can’t process my thoughts on something into words in such a short amount of time unless it’s simple. On the other end of the spectrum, long form posts makes me analyse what I’m writing to such an extent that I get lost within myself.
Maybe this is all pointless. After all, communicating effectively is one of the most difficult skills to learn. Human behaviour and brains are so complicated that trying to understand oneself and express that may be a fruitless endeavour. This is why another favourite of mine, Serial Experiments Lain, made me extremely anxious whilst watching it. Lain is someone, or something, that gets more hard to define as the show goes on. Everyone has their own image of what Lain is, which are clashing between each other. This is what scares me the most. Communication is so fundamentally broken in a format such as writing that it’s impossible to predict what the reaction is going to be. I have no idea how this post is going to read off to you. Nihilistic? A cry for help? Comedic?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel extremely lost. All the questions for myself, with no answers or any sight of finding one any time soon. I’m posting this as the start of trying to find them. If I can post this, maybe I’ll find a spark to catch. Maybe my home won’t look so dark, and a bit of light can shine through.